I Know What I Want

Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Ebb and Flow.

Someone had encouraged me to look for a boyfriend this past week, given that I was going to be in the presence of so many sexy  pagan men from all over Central Florida (not easy to find where I live) who have their scientific side  as well  as their  musical  side  and plenty  of Celtic ink. Alas, I came home tired and manless, but content and happy.

The Long-Awaited Honest-to-God Secret to Being Happy

I’m still  too  zonked  by the drive  back  and lack  of sleep to think  very clearly right now, but a few things I noticed at the Florida Pagan Gathering keep coming back to me in waves. One in particular. It was the kind of thing that warmed my heart to see it in action, perhaps because I see so little of it.

I saw couples who supported each other in the way I want to love and support a mate and be loved and supported by a mate. Some of the couples were legally married and some were not. All had a commitment,  though, and for the long haul, and many had been together for a long time and had seen each other through quite a few trials. There was a lovely sense of equality and balance in these couples,  even when one was obviously  the “star” and the other was quiet and solid, a sort of gravity for the more outgoing partner.

One of these women—a  “star”  in her own right— who’d been  with her mate for more than a decade told me she’d had to wait a long  time for this man to come into her life. This was in response to my  daughter’s in- credulous  question  to her and her husband:  “How did you two ever find each other?” She asked the same question of several of these couples, perhaps because it was a level of emotional support she  never saw from her dad when it came to my dreams. She seemed intrigued, and I admit, I was also intrigued. For her, this kind of relation- ship did not seem possible. Nice fantasy, no reality. Aislinn even went so far as to wonder if this kind of loving support  was  possible  only  among  pagans  or  if  it  just seemed more prevalent.

This High Priestess  told me that she’d waited a long time for her mate, even after she met him and later realized he was the one for her.  She’d been mature, not a starry-eyed girl, but she’d known exactly what she wanted and had  decided  not  to  settle  for  less  ever  again.  She wanted a man she could connect with on a physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual level, and that if anything was wanting, the  relationship would not be fulfilling for her.

Her words were so uplifting to me. Ah, someone who mirrors my beliefs and has done it!

How different from a friend whose “wisdom” I haven’t followed,  one who has spent the past year following her own advice and jumping into bed with this man and that man as a salve for her own post-divorce pain and has put her focus so much into the physical realm of two- week  relationships  (if that) that she is now fighting like crazy to keep her kids and stands a really good chance of losing custody, child support, and her  home. Yeah, she loves her  children,  but  her  focus  has  been  entirely  on men and sex, not on relationships, love, family, home. So seeing   the   higher   manifestations   the   High   Priestess showed me, well, this was a nice affirmation for me.

I found myself nodding at the High Priestess’  words and saying, without even thinking, something like “I think a person seeking monogamy  is less likely to stray when they make connections  on all four levels  because when you have that kind of connection with another person, I think for me it would be impossible for anyone else to slip into my heart. As long as I feel that kind of connection with someone, I’m not going to fall in love with any- one new.”

Then I realized what I’d said.