WTF Dreams and Place-Holders
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Tilt.
I had another dream, an utterly bizarre, what-the-fuck dream. Yeah, another dream about my ex.
That’s what? Five or six in the past month or so? To- tally boggles the mind. They’re nice, friendly dreams!
Partnerships. Laughing as we make dinner together. Joyfully talking about our prosperity together. Talking about our dreams and making plans. Doing happy, wonderful things he and I never did together as husband and wife.
Totally boggles the mind, doesn’t it? No…that I would have dreams about him…now.
I’m trying hard to figure this one out. You don’t know how hard I’m trying to figure this one out. Especially since in the entire couple of decades that I was with him, I had only one or two dreams about him, none of them particularly soothing, but these dreams are soothing. They’re…sweet.
They’re also not him. Not him in that he could never be this way at all, though I don’t think he could be the way I’ve seen him in the dreams with me, but not him in that it’s not his energy.
Even if he made massive changes in his personality or in regard to me, this would still not be his energy. It’s his form but it’s not him, and it’s his form from years ago, not now.
These are comforting, reassuring scenarios and it’s more like his image is a…place-holder. Someone who represents a husband—not a lover, not a father, not a friend, but a husband.
There are things in these dreams that never happened between us and I don’t feel that this is wistful thinking but more of a “this is the way it can be with a husband.” The things in these dreams never happened in reality— they could not with the man I was married to, but then again, this isn’t his energy that comes to me in dreams.
It’s not him. It just looks like him. Disturbing as that might be.
It just looks like a husband.