WTF Dreams and Place-Holders
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Tilt.
I had another dream, an utterly bizarre, what-the-fuck dream. Yeah, another dream about my ex.
Thatâ€™s what? Five or six in the past month or so? To- tally boggles the mind. Theyâ€™re nice, friendly dreams!
Partnerships. Laughing Â as we make dinner together. Joyfully Â talking Â about Â our Â prosperity Â together. Â Talking about our dreams and making plans. Doing happy, wonderful things he and I never did together as husband and wife.
Totally boggles the mind, doesnâ€™t it? No…that I would have dreams about him…now.
Iâ€™m trying hard to figure this one out. You donâ€™t know how hard Iâ€™m trying to figure this one out. Especially since in the entire couple of decades that I was with him, I had only one or two dreams about him, none of them particularly soothing, Â but Â these Â dreams are soothing. Theyâ€™re…sweet.
Theyâ€™re also not him. Not him in that he could never be this way Â at Â all, though I donâ€™t think he could be the way Iâ€™ve seen him in the dreams with me, but not him in that itâ€™s not his energy.
Even if he made massive changes in his personality or in regard to me, this would still not be his energy. Itâ€™s his form but itâ€™s not him, and Â itâ€™s his form from years ago, not now.
These are Â comforting, Â reassuring Â scenarios Â and Â itâ€™s more Â like Â his Â image Â is Â a…place-holder. Â Someone Â who represents Â a husbandâ€”not Â a Â lover, Â not a father, Â not a friend, but a husband.
There are things in these dreams that never happened between us Â and I donâ€™t feel that this is wistful thinking but more of a â€œthis is the way it can be with a husband.â€ The things in these dreams never Â happened Â in realityâ€” they could not with the man I was married to, but then again, this isnâ€™t his energy that comes to me in dreams.
Itâ€™s not him. It just looks like him. Disturbing as that might be.
It just looks like a husband.