Working Through: Directing Energy
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Tilt.
Thursday, lunchtime, Â walking Â between Â buildings Â to Â yet another meeting.
Scientifically, I must decide where to allocate my energy. Thatâ€™s what my current dilemma boils down to.
I have a lot of personal power, a lot of energy…even
when Iâ€™m fatigued from overwork, like now. Not the kind of ADHD energy that leaves one bouncy but that internal energy, the passion, that feeds work projects, art, relation- ships, sex, creativity,Â athletics,. Itâ€™s my Â fire. Passion. Intensity.
Over the years, Iâ€™ve had a lot of fire and a lot of people wanting to use or control my fire. Not enough people who wanted to burn with me but instead wanted to borrow or even steal my fire.\
For a long time, Â I thought that Â because Â peopleâ€” often business-relatedâ€”wanted Â my Â fire Â for Â free Â that Â it wasnâ€™t valuable. In looking at a couple of decades, I see now that the fire was valuable enough that it was important to takers to have me believe no one else wanted it so that I would devote it to their causes. Â Because they felt my fire was valuable in certain areas, so did I. Validation for the otherwise unworthy. Itâ€™s all a form of abuse.
And now that Iâ€™ve taken back my fire, taken back my power, where do I aim it?
No matter Â how strong, Â thereâ€™s Â only so much to go around, so I have to decide which direction to let the rivers of energy flow. Wherever I focus will get a lot of juice!
I can focus on my day job, my house renovations, my kids (probably more than theyâ€™d want), my creative projects, social gatherings, Â spiritual Â lessons, finding a mate, preparing for the future, having a child, etc.
When I was going through a divorce, thatâ€™s where my energy went. All of it.
When Â myÂ Â dad Â wasÂ Â ill, Â thatâ€™s Â whereÂ Â theÂ Â energy went…into propping up both him and my mom and then to a lesser but competing extent, keeping my boss happy and taking care of the kids and trying to be a wife at the same time.
When I was under deadline, thatâ€™s where it went. When I was grieving, thatâ€™s where my energy went.
But now, where do I direct it?
With all these changesÂ coming in the next yearâ€”or even over the summerâ€” is it better to build a foundation for my new future or just live each day to indulge the desires of the moment?
I can focus a little attention on creative projects, a little on socializing Â with friends, Â a little Â on meeting Â new men, Â a Â littleÂ Â on Â promotingÂ Â and Â publicizingÂ Â current works. Thereâ€™s Â balance Â in Â thatâ€”but Â itâ€™s Â more Â of a reprieve. It doesnâ€™t Â go anywhere Â because Â the Â momentum isnâ€™t forward, just spinning pleasantly.
Or I can use a fire hose approach and allocate most of my energy Â to Â building something Â long-lasting Â so that I can have a better-balanced life full of the things I want.
Both have Â their merits Â and lead me to believe Â that maybe life really is one great big science experiment.