Working Through: Breaking Through
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Tilt.
Thursday night, driving home
Iâ€™m not sure, but I think I understand Â this up-and- down pressure in the past week, the constant waffling between 1. consciously seeking out a relationship among the many choices I have right here and right now and 2. waiting for something better.
Iâ€™ve been hearing a lot of whispers for the last month, telling Â meÂ Â â€œYourÂ Â choice,Â Â your Â choice.Â Â YouÂ Â getÂ Â to choose.â€
And at the same time, Iâ€™m being presented Â with so many options and being told by my guidance Â repeatedly that there is a major Â relationship just ahead of me, that Iâ€™m right on top of it. Itâ€™s so close. Itâ€™s just a matter of the next few months before it happens, with life-altering decisions coming by yearend.
Sometimes they give me dates or seasons, but I donâ€™t reallyÂ soÂ much Â trust Â either Â when Â they Â come Â from Â the Ether. Their way of understanding Â time is different from ours. The linear fashion of time is far more important to those of us who have not passed over.
They insist that a man is coming Â up next, and that things are going to be so very good. Not perfect and not without problems but a good relationship. A Ten of Cups kind of relationship.
The other thing they show me is that I have options, lots of options, lots of choices I never realized were there before. Good choices and bad choices. Men who would make me happy and men who would ruin my life but the joy is definitely there for Â me if Iâ€™m willing to reach out and grab him. Um…so to speak.
Peer pressure Â is Â nothing Â compared Â to Â pressure Â the Ether exerts, that weighing Â down of intuition Â all around me, with being given choices, being pressured to move on something or not move on something or to make a decision.
This is some kind of fork in the road. I donâ€™t under- stand, but it is.
And Â so Â itâ€™s Â another Â Â Â Â epiphanyâ€”one Â that Â shines brightly as I walk to my car after another 12-hour day at work, the digital recorder in my hand for the intention of dictating my novel on the way home. As I walk across the pavement, all I can do is berate myself for feeling stuck, for jumping between these two tracks of what I want and donâ€™t want and not sure of either one or why this pres- sure is suddenly so great. It goes beyond the usual incessant hammering at me from Â everyone around me to get out and date more and to get into a physical relationship
â€” â€” right now â€” â€” and to stop holding out for some- one who sweeps me away.
I think Â to myself, Â almost Â saying it out Â loud, Â that Â I donâ€™t want just anybody. Yes, I can go have just anybody but I donâ€™t want just anybody. Maybe Iâ€™m fighting biology but my heart just isnâ€™t in it. I look at my married friends with their no-strings lovers and I want something more and I really donâ€™t think Iâ€™m going to find it among any of these new men who are coming into my life over the past couple of weeks.
Thatâ€™s the Â fork Â in Â the Â road. Â The Â real Â choice Â to Â be made. I can have it now and have good and not be alone or I can wait just a little longer and have great.
Thatâ€™s when I hear the whisper in the air. â€œAre you sure? This is what you want? Thatâ€™s your decision?â€
Yeah. Yeah! It is! Iâ€™m willing to wait for something even better.
And suddenly Â I understand. Â Free will. Destiny. Â The fork in the road. The immense pressure to make a decision and make itâ€¦today.
Something Â is happening. Â Maybe in my life, maybe in the life of the man who is coming to me. Or maybe in the life of the man Â I am passing by. But something in this timeline that required a decision by meâ€”to embark on a road with some new man in the here and now whoâ€™ll be good for me or to wait for someone whoâ€™ll be even bet- ter.
The sense of pressure to choose a man is gone. Iâ€™m calm now. Very. And completely uninterested in the men whoâ€™ve been vying for my attention. And completely okay with being completely uninterested.
Today, I had to make a choice of which future I want, and I chose to be patient a while longer (egad, did I really do the more patience thing?!) Now things can take a different course so that the fork in the road will allow me to intersect with a man not currently in my life. Maybe I had to make the decision today so that he wonâ€™t end up with the wrong woman tomorrow or so that he can decide to direct his energy to a better place and help me make the earth move.