Working Through: Breaking Through

Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Tilt.

Thursday night, driving home

The Long-Awaited Honest-to-God Secret to Being Happy

I’m not sure, but I think I understand  this up-and- down pressure in the past week, the constant waffling between 1. consciously seeking out a relationship among the many choices I have right here and right now and 2. waiting for something better.

I’ve been hearing a lot of whispers for the last month, telling  me   “Your   choice,   your  choice.   You   get   to choose.”

And at the same time, I’m being presented  with so many options and being told by my guidance  repeatedly that there is a major  relationship just ahead of me, that I’m right on top of it. It’s so close. It’s just a matter of the next few months before it happens, with life-altering decisions coming by yearend.

Sometimes they give me dates or seasons, but I don’t really  so  much  trust  either  when  they  come  from  the Ether. Their way of understanding  time is different from ours. The linear fashion of time is far more important to those of us who have not passed over.

They insist that a man is coming  up next, and that things are going to be so very good. Not perfect and not without problems but a good relationship. A Ten of Cups kind of relationship.

The other thing they show me is that I have options, lots of options, lots of choices I never realized were there before. Good choices and bad choices. Men who would make me happy and men who would ruin my life but the joy is definitely there for  me if I’m willing to reach out and grab him. Um…so to speak.

Peer pressure  is  nothing  compared  to  pressure  the Ether exerts, that weighing  down of intuition  all around me, with being given choices, being pressured to move on something or not move on something or to make a decision.

This is some kind of fork in the road. I don’t under- stand, but it is.

And  so  it’s  another      epiphany—one  that  shines brightly as I walk to my car after another 12-hour day at work, the digital recorder in my hand for the intention of dictating my novel on the way home. As I walk across the pavement, all I can do is berate myself for feeling stuck, for jumping between these two tracks of what I want and don’t want and not sure of either one or why this pres- sure is suddenly so great. It goes beyond the usual incessant hammering at me from  everyone around me to get out and date more and to get into a physical relationship

— — right now — — and to stop holding out for some- one who sweeps me away.

I think  to myself,  almost  saying it out  loud,  that  I don’t want just anybody. Yes, I can go have just anybody but I don’t want just anybody. Maybe I’m fighting biology but my heart just isn’t in it. I look at my married friends with their no-strings lovers and I want something more and I really don’t think I’m going to find it among any of these new men who are coming into my life over the past couple of weeks.

That’s the  fork  in  the  road.  The  real  choice  to  be made. I can have it now and have good and not be alone or I can wait just a little longer and have great.

That’s when I hear the whisper in the air. “Are you sure? This is what you want? That’s your decision?”

Yeah. Yeah! It is! I’m willing to wait for something even better.

And suddenly  I understand.  Free will. Destiny.  The fork in the road. The immense pressure to make a decision and make it…today.

Something  is happening.  Maybe in my life, maybe in the life of the man who is coming to me. Or maybe in the life of the man  I am passing by. But something in this timeline that required a decision by me—to embark on a road with some new man in the here and now who’ll be good for me or to wait for someone who’ll be even bet- ter.

The sense of pressure to choose a man is gone. I’m calm now. Very. And completely uninterested in the men who’ve been vying for my attention. And completely okay with being completely uninterested.

Today, I had to make a choice of which future I want, and I chose to be patient a while longer (egad, did I really do the more patience thing?!) Now things can take a different course so that the fork in the road will allow me to intersect with a man not currently in my life. Maybe I had to make the decision today so that he won’t end up with the wrong woman tomorrow or so that he can decide to direct his energy to a better place and help me make the earth move.