Why Canâ€™t I Be Like Other Women?
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Tilt.
Whatâ€™s wrong Â with Â me? Â Why Â canâ€™t Â IÂ be Â like Â other women? Why canâ€™t Â I just be like every Â other Â divorced woman within 10 years of my ageâ€”and half the married women I knowâ€”and just go get me a fuck-buddy or two or three or ten and be fine with that? Logically speaking, it would fit my busy lifestyle Â just perfectly. Â I have too many Â projects Â to finish to be in a relationship Â anyway, right?
Since arriving in and returning from Daytona, Iâ€™ve had
a lot of log-jams break open, one of them being that suddenly there are Â bagfuls of men who seem interested Â in having a relationship with me…of some sort. And I get to define the sort.
In the past two weeks, Iâ€™ve had six men of apparent â€œqualityâ€ Â introduce themselves to me. Sexy, cute, sweet. Five are between 30 and Â 38, and oneâ€™s 43. (Yeah, men who donâ€™t read my blog and donâ€™t know that Iâ€™m a writer, and probably Â will never Â know, Â but if they Â do find my blog, thatâ€™s okay, Â too.) All professionals Â and successful businessmen. All wanting to go to dinner, all wanting to be in my life. All interested in me on the physical level, at the very least, and thatâ€™s always a nice ego-stroke.
This feels strange. Like standing in front of a window (or a line-up!) Â and being able to pick and choose. Â If I wanted, Â I could have Â a Â different Â one service Â me every night and then rest on the seventh day.
Yeah, just what every girl wants, huh? And hereâ€™s my opportunity to live the fantasy.
Then Â why Â am Â I Â not Â jumping Â at Â the Â opportunity? Whatâ€™s wrong with me?
I havenâ€™t Â felt Â a Â connection Â with Â any Â of Â them. Â Just sorta ho-hum. Not that thereâ€™s anything wrong them, that I know of, but none of them intrigues me. Do they have to intrigue me to be my â€œbuddyâ€? No, I guess not. I just donâ€™t Â know Â that Â I Â could Â be Â satisfied Â with Â something purely Â physical. Â I Â think Â Iâ€™d Â really Â rather Â be Â emotional about someone before being physical with them. (Yeah, my Moonâ€™s in Aquarius and my Venus is in Pisces. I like lots of variety but want him Â to Â be the only boy in my world. Figures.)
But last nightâ€™s meditation shook me up. If Iâ€™d been considering accepting an offer from any of those six men, the meditation curbed my appetite.
I guess I needed the reminder, though, that someone will feel so deeply about me that he wonâ€™t want to stay on this plane after Iâ€™ve gone and that heâ€™ll regret every moment that I wasnâ€™t in his life. Funny to say that…looking at the past Â from Â some point in someone Â elseâ€™s Â future, from the end of his days.
I donâ€™t Â define Â myself Â by Â my Â mate Â or Â by Â the Â lack thereof,Â yetÂ some Â time Â now, Â Iâ€™ve Â known Â that Â Iâ€™m Â not meant to be alone and that I will be happy again with a partner, happier than Iâ€™ve ever been, and that all the pain of previous relationships Â will be worth it to get to this new relationship. Thereâ€™s a new home and a new house somewhere else, Â somewhere that isnâ€™t here in the direct path of hurricanes coming ashore. Â Thereâ€™s water nearby and a garden and trees. Thereâ€™s plenty of talk of the esoteric. I completely Â understand Â his mission in life, and he completely â€œgetsâ€ me, too, and loves my writing and the way I think. He just wants to be with me. Whenever I am with him, he feels at home and loved, Â and so do I. In spite Â of everything Â either Â of us has endured, Â there Â are emotions between Â the two of us that surpass Â anything either of us has encountered Â before. Thereâ€™s lots of life- work between the two of us, work that we enjoy, though Iâ€™m at home more and on the road perhaps Â more…and life is content and secure and exciting and filled with love, all at once.
And, to my utter surprise, thereâ€™s a child. I mean, I thought I was long past that, but there is definitely a child in this vision I keep having. A boy, I think. I donâ€™t know if heâ€™s adopted or a child of my own body, but he is ours, whatever that means, and weâ€™re a family. Until Â these visions, I never once worried about my biological clock, but perhaps he is to come to me in some other way.
This man in my future seems to be more than that, though. Â Much Â more. Â Iâ€™ve Â caught Â glimpses Â of Â a Â manâ€™s emotions, felt Â them from the inside, and they are deep and loving and beautiful and Â intense Â and eternal. Â Who this man is, well, thatâ€™s still up in the air.
Iâ€™m shown differentÂ possibilities for who the man is, and almost all of them are strangers to me still or either I must not recognize Â them. Â Two or three times, a blond manÂ with blue eyes appears, Â though Â heâ€™s Â generally Â just saying hello and friendly and keeps his distance. And occasionally a man with longish black hair will show up as part of a crowd but heâ€™s more of a spectator, too, perhaps a witch from elsewhere with some interest in me. The single familiar face Iâ€™ve ever seen in any of these visions has been that Â of Â The Â Treat, Â and Â weâ€™re Â usually Â engaged Â in deep, quiet, Â up-close, intense conversation…or Â heâ€™s playing his guitar for me and making up the music as he goes. He still often visits me in the Dreamtime and shows me wonderful Â and amazing things that are not part of my own frame of referenceâ€”like Â what itâ€™s like to hold life in your hands every dayâ€”but I havenâ€™t seen him face-to-face in a very long time, and thatâ€™s been entirely his choice and I no longer hear back from him. It would Â seem that, at least on a conscious level, he has forgotten me.
But as for this man I feel in my future, most of the time, Iâ€™m not shown a face, just a sense of him, a presence. I canâ€™t say heâ€™s definitely Â someone I know already because thereâ€™s a sense of knowing that goes beyond this lifetime, so it feels as if I do know him already, but on every Â possible level, even though I canâ€™t possibly know anyone on this physical plane as well as I know the man in my future. Maybe thatâ€™s because I know him so well in that future that it feels Iâ€™ve known him for all time. Â Or maybe my soul really has known his for all time. I donâ€™t know. On Â the Etheric level, itâ€™s just such a strong presence that seeing his face Â doesnâ€™t matter. Seeing his face would almost be a distraction….
And then, too, I guess maybe itâ€™s not yet decided who heâ€™ll be. He has a choice in this, too.
Sometimes I see his hands or hear his whisper from beside my cheek. Sometimes there are deep and passion- ate kisses Â and Iâ€™m not Â even Â aware of his face, just his presence. Yeah, wow…this is a passionate man in my future.
So thatâ€™s Â what Â this Â disturbing Â meditation Â was Â all about…being reminded Â that there is somebody Â out there worth waiting for…if I choose to wait. Or that if I choose to dive into a relationship, it will be a good one. In either case, there is happiness ahead, lots of it. And if Iâ€™m alone, itâ€™s only because I choose to be.