Why Can’t I Be Like Other Women?
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Tilt.
What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be like other women? Why can’t I just be like every other divorced woman within 10 years of my age—and half the married women I know—and just go get me a fuck-buddy or two or three or ten and be fine with that? Logically speaking, it would fit my busy lifestyle just perfectly. I have too many projects to finish to be in a relationship anyway, right?
Since arriving in and returning from Daytona, I’ve had
a lot of log-jams break open, one of them being that suddenly there are bagfuls of men who seem interested in having a relationship with me…of some sort. And I get to define the sort.
In the past two weeks, I’ve had six men of apparent “quality” introduce themselves to me. Sexy, cute, sweet. Five are between 30 and 38, and one’s 43. (Yeah, men who don’t read my blog and don’t know that I’m a writer, and probably will never know, but if they do find my blog, that’s okay, too.) All professionals and successful businessmen. All wanting to go to dinner, all wanting to be in my life. All interested in me on the physical level, at the very least, and that’s always a nice ego-stroke.
This feels strange. Like standing in front of a window (or a line-up!) and being able to pick and choose. If I wanted, I could have a different one service me every night and then rest on the seventh day.
Yeah, just what every girl wants, huh? And here’s my opportunity to live the fantasy.
Then why am I not jumping at the opportunity? What’s wrong with me?
I haven’t felt a connection with any of them. Just sorta ho-hum. Not that there’s anything wrong them, that I know of, but none of them intrigues me. Do they have to intrigue me to be my “buddy”? No, I guess not. I just don’t know that I could be satisfied with something purely physical. I think I’d really rather be emotional about someone before being physical with them. (Yeah, my Moon’s in Aquarius and my Venus is in Pisces. I like lots of variety but want him to be the only boy in my world. Figures.)
So I haven’t called any of them back. I have plenty else to work on while I make up my mind…books to write…patios to build…things that need to be chainsawed down.
But last night’s meditation shook me up. If I’d been considering accepting an offer from any of those six men, the meditation curbed my appetite.
I guess I needed the reminder, though, that someone will feel so deeply about me that he won’t want to stay on this plane after I’ve gone and that he’ll regret every moment that I wasn’t in his life. Funny to say that…looking at the past from some point in someone else’s future, from the end of his days.
I don’t define myself by my mate or by the lack thereof, yet some time now, I’ve known that I’m not meant to be alone and that I will be happy again with a partner, happier than I’ve ever been, and that all the pain of previous relationships will be worth it to get to this new relationship. There’s a new home and a new house somewhere else, somewhere that isn’t here in the direct path of hurricanes coming ashore. There’s water nearby and a garden and trees. There’s plenty of talk of the esoteric. I completely understand his mission in life, and he completely “gets” me, too, and loves my writing and the way I think. He just wants to be with me. Whenever I am with him, he feels at home and loved, and so do I. In spite of everything either of us has endured, there are emotions between the two of us that surpass anything either of us has encountered before. There’s lots of life- work between the two of us, work that we enjoy, though I’m at home more and on the road perhaps more…and life is content and secure and exciting and filled with love, all at once.
And, to my utter surprise, there’s a child. I mean, I thought I was long past that, but there is definitely a child in this vision I keep having. A boy, I think. I don’t know if he’s adopted or a child of my own body, but he is ours, whatever that means, and we’re a family. Until these visions, I never once worried about my biological clock, but perhaps he is to come to me in some other way.
This man in my future seems to be more than that, though. Much more. I’ve caught glimpses of a man’s emotions, felt them from the inside, and they are deep and loving and beautiful and intense and eternal. Who this man is, well, that’s still up in the air.
I’m shown different possibilities for who the man is, and almost all of them are strangers to me still or either I must not recognize them. Two or three times, a blond man with blue eyes appears, though he’s generally just saying hello and friendly and keeps his distance. And occasionally a man with longish black hair will show up as part of a crowd but he’s more of a spectator, too, perhaps a witch from elsewhere with some interest in me. The single familiar face I’ve ever seen in any of these visions has been that of The Treat, and we’re usually engaged in deep, quiet, up-close, intense conversation…or he’s playing his guitar for me and making up the music as he goes. He still often visits me in the Dreamtime and shows me wonderful and amazing things that are not part of my own frame of reference—like what it’s like to hold life in your hands every day—but I haven’t seen him face-to-face in a very long time, and that’s been entirely his choice and I no longer hear back from him. It would seem that, at least on a conscious level, he has forgotten me.
But as for this man I feel in my future, most of the time, I’m not shown a face, just a sense of him, a presence. I can’t say he’s definitely someone I know already because there’s a sense of knowing that goes beyond this lifetime, so it feels as if I do know him already, but on every possible level, even though I can’t possibly know anyone on this physical plane as well as I know the man in my future. Maybe that’s because I know him so well in that future that it feels I’ve known him for all time. Or maybe my soul really has known his for all time. I don’t know. On the Etheric level, it’s just such a strong presence that seeing his face doesn’t matter. Seeing his face would almost be a distraction….
And then, too, I guess maybe it’s not yet decided who he’ll be. He has a choice in this, too.
Sometimes I see his hands or hear his whisper from beside my cheek. Sometimes there are deep and passion- ate kisses and I’m not even aware of his face, just his presence. Yeah, wow…this is a passionate man in my future.
So that’s what this disturbing meditation was all about…being reminded that there is somebody out there worth waiting for…if I choose to wait. Or that if I choose to dive into a relationship, it will be a good one. In either case, there is happiness ahead, lots of it. And if I’m alone, it’s only because I choose to be.