Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Tilt.
I’ve never had any problem being alone, but I’ve decided I don’t necessarily want it all the time. Yeah. Yeah, I’m sure of that. I like having people around, people I adore, just not underfoot or hovering. But…around…in my sphere. Occasionally sharing my air.
It’s weird this week with everyone gone. The girls won’t be back until next week. Everyone I know is gone. Gone. Including at work—almost everyone’s on vacation or getting surgeried up or on a trip of some sort. Except for one meeting I was in, I’ve seen maybe 5 people in my whole building over the past few days. Okay, the meeting wasn’t in my building. Seems most people decided to vacation early this year, before the hurricanes. This time last year, we were gearing up for the first biggie of the season, which was nothing compared to Katrina.
Of course, part of it is that the girls have called from Canada in the past two nights, homesick for me. Crying on the phone. I miss them, too. They weren’t homesick when we were all together in Daytona, so the upside is that they really miss their mom. Nice to know.
The 5 people who are at work this week all told me how lucky I am to have the house to myself. Yeah, I’m getting lots of work done, but it doesn’t feel so lucky. I miss my kids. To my colleagues, it’s lucky because they all desperately need some solitude right now and they’re busy telling me what I need. People feel inclined to do that, I suppose. Project their needs onto me.
Well, this solitude has served its need. I like my solitude, but I like my people, too.
Too much is up in the air right now and I’m not inclined to go make new friends until I know which direction I’m going in—literally. I want to get away from the coast, away from the hurricanes. I want to take my children inland to some place a little safer. Blame it on Katrina and the there-but-for-the grace-of-the-Gods-go-I syndrome, but I’m so nervous about those tropics. I haven’t taken any physical steps yet, but emotionally, it’s weighing on me.
It doesn’t seem fair to get into any new relationships here if I do relocate away from the shoreline. That’s an investment of myself that feels better spent on completing my work and expanding my education into new areas that might open up a new career. I’m isolating myself in doing this, but my process now seems to be more of shedding in preparation for the new and the new isn’t here yet.
So tonight, I’m a bit on the lonely side, something that doesn’t really happen that often. I remember plenty of times when I was married that I was lonelier. But I needed for solitude to cross over tonight to see that I want the life I’m building to include people, a variety of friends and family and people I adore, some in my house to visit regularly and others to share my meals and bed.
Yes, something else for my wish list. People.
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