The Bane of Being Single in Transition Time
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree Tilt.
Iâ€™ve never had any problem being alone, but Iâ€™ve decided I donâ€™t necessarily want it all the time. Yeah. Yeah, Iâ€™m sure of that. I like having people around, people I adore, Â just Â not Â underfoot Â orÂ hovering. Â But…around…in my sphere. Occasionally sharing my air.
Itâ€™s weird Â this Â week Â with Â everyone Â gone. Â The Â girls wonâ€™t be back until next week. Everyone I know is gone. Gone. Including at workâ€”almost everyoneâ€™s on vacation or getting surgeried up or on a trip of some sort. Except for one meeting I was in, Iâ€™ve seen maybe 5 people in my whole building over the past few days. Okay, the meeting wasnâ€™t in my building. Seems most people decided to vacation early this year, before the hurricanes. This time last year, we were gearing up for the first biggie of the season, which was nothing compared to Katrina.
Of course, part of it is that the girls have called from Canada in the past two nights, homesick Â for me. Crying on the phone. I miss them, too. They werenâ€™t homesick when we were all together in Daytona, so Â the Â upside is that they really miss their mom. Nice to know.
The 5 people who are at work this week all told me how lucky I am to have the house to myself. Yeah, Iâ€™m getting lots of work done, but it doesnâ€™t feel so lucky. I miss my kids. To my colleagues, itâ€™s lucky because they all desperately Â need Â some Â solitude Â right Â now Â and Â theyâ€™re busy telling me what I need. People feel inclined Â to do that, I suppose. Project their needs onto me.
Well, this solitude has served its need. I like my solitude, but I like my people, too.
Too much is up in the air right now and Iâ€™m not inclined to go make new friends until I know which direction Iâ€™m going inâ€”literally. I want to get away from the coast, away from the hurricanes. Â I want to take my children Â inland Â to Â some Â place Â a Â little Â safer. Â Blame Â it Â on Katrina and the there-but-for-the Â grace-of-the-Gods-go-I syndrome, Â but Â Iâ€™m Â so Â nervous Â about Â those Â tropics. Â I havenâ€™t taken any physical steps yet, but emotionally, itâ€™s weighing on me.
It doesnâ€™t seem fair to get into any new relationships here if I do Â relocate away from the shoreline. Thatâ€™s an investment Â of myself that feels better spent on completing my work and expanding my education into new areas that might open up a new career. Iâ€™m isolating myself in doing this, Â but Â my Â process Â now Â seems Â to be more Â of shedding Â in preparation Â for the new and the new Â isnâ€™t here yet.
So tonight, Â Iâ€™m a bit on the lonely side, something that doesnâ€™t really happen that often. I remember Â plenty of times when Â I Â was married that I was lonelier. But I needed for solitude Â to cross Â over tonight Â to see that I want the life Iâ€™m building to include people, a variety of friends and family and people I adore, some in my house to visit regularly and others to share my meals and bed.
Yes, something else for my wish list. People.