Gnawing My Restraints
Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Crimes to the Third Degree.
Sometimes Iâ€™m really, really glad Iâ€™ve kept my journals. I usually donâ€™t spend time going back to re-read it, but since the second of the blog-book essay diaries is going to press this weekend, I had to do a little proofing tonight.
First, it did me a world of good to see how often I used to talk about my ex and how I rarely do now in my journal unless itâ€™s incidental to the decades we were together. Iâ€™ve poured it all onto paper and pixel and it doesnâ€™t wash through me now with every movement.
And second, I still waffle over whether I want to get into a sexual relationship with anyone or not. Thereâ€™s the part of me that says, hey, Iâ€™m free to do what I want and why am I denying myself? And then thereâ€™s the other part of me that kicks in 3..25 seconds later and says, no, thereâ€™s got to be someone worth waiting for out there, for the full experience of physical, emotional, and spiritual all at once.
Then 3..20 seconds later, I start to gnaw at my restraints and tell myself that life is too short to be an idealist or a romantic and itâ€™s a good thing that 3.15 seconds later I read this from an old journal entry:
– Thank you, God, that I didnâ€™t rush right out after my marriage broke up and pull the first man that I could find out from under a rock. I wonâ€™t end my celibacy for just anyone. Not many people get the chance to lose their virginity twice.
I believe that whole-heartedly…except that in 3.05 seconds….
Iâ€™m not sure what will happen when I reach 0 seconds meantime between failures.