Gnawing My Restraints

Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Crimes to the Third Degree.

Sometimes I’m really, really glad I’ve kept my journals. I usually don’t spend time going back to re-read it, but since the second of the blog-book essay diaries is going to press this weekend, I had to do a little proofing tonight.

Flying By Night novelFirst, it did me a world of good to see how often I used to talk about my ex and how I rarely do now in my journal unless it’s incidental to the decades we were together. I’ve poured it all onto paper and pixel and it doesn’t wash through me now with every movement.

And second, I still waffle over whether I want to get into a sexual relationship with anyone or not. There’s the part of me that says, hey, I’m free to do what I want and why am I denying myself? And then there’s the other part of me that kicks in 3..25 seconds later and says, no, there’s got to be someone worth waiting for out there, for the full experience of physical, emotional, and spiritual all at once.

Then 3..20 seconds later, I start to gnaw at my restraints and tell myself that life is too short to be an idealist or a romantic and it’s a good thing that 3.15 seconds later I read this from an old journal entry:

– Thank you, God, that I didn’t rush right out after my marriage broke up and pull the first man that I could find out from under a rock. I won’t end my celibacy for just anyone. Not many people get the chance to lose their virginity twice.

I believe that whole-heartedly…except that in 3.05 seconds….

I’m not sure what will happen when I reach 0 seconds meantime between failures.