What Do I Need a Man For?

Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Third Degree of Separation.

My married friends—and many of my single ones—can’t understand  why I’m not out there, bedding a different man every night.  I’m free to do so if I choose. Or why I haven’t moved some 20-something boy-toy lieutenant into my home so I can have nightly foot  rubs if not stimulating conversation. Again, I’m free to do so and there are certainly enough pretty lieutenants. Not only that, but most of my friends can’t under- stand why I’m still celibate after my divorce.

The Long-Awaited Honest-to-God Secret to Being Happy

Honestly, it’s hard to explain. But when you get a chance to be a virgin again, you don’t want to waste it on just any drunk in a bar. Losing my second virginity is not the big focus of my life.

The opportunities have been there,  and some,  I’ve seriously   waffled  about,  but  I seem to spend most of my time saying no, either to men or to myself. Or not even getting to the point of talking about sex with a man at all. Actually, I can think of only one that I  would have slept with…ahem…would still sleep with…and it seems every time we talked, the conversation twisted back to sex. We kept our hands off each other, but our minds sure did wander a lot!

But except for an occasional relapse that tends to pass quickly  provided I can, oh, go eat a bag of Mint Milanos or something until the feeling passes, I’ve had no interest in picking up men in bars or on-line. I mean, what’s the point?

I like the way Cara puts it. “What do us divorced chicks need a  man for, huh? There’s nothing any man on this planet can do for me that  a  pack of D-batteries can’t achieve… over and over and over again.”

And—sorry,  guys—but  most  of  my  women  friends agree. One-night-stands just aren’t very satisfying—all puns in- tended—for women. The guy may achieve his objectives quite easily but a woman’s more likely to be left disappointed or possibly pleased with her acting  performance. A one-night-stand might be worth his while, but often, she goes home berating her- self for bothering.

For me, the slim possibility of satisfaction with a stranger isn’t  enough  to take the kinds of risks that accompany casual sex. Too easy these days to end up permanently damaged or disease-ridden. I’m just not that needy. So, except again for an occasional fleeting fancy that  thankfully  passes quickly, I’m not interested in a sexual indulgence to kick off a possible new relationship. That’s not where I want to start in  getting  to know someone.

For me, the satisfaction of a sexual relationship comes not so much from the physical side of it but from the combination of the physical and psychological in a coupling, the psycho- logical encompassing such planes as emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. And there’s probably not  much chance of making a strong connection through sex alone, at least  not one that’s worthwhile to me. Better to make the strong connection  first and then, with the psychological connection in place, marry it up (no  pun intended) with the physical so that the experience is overlaid (pun intended) with many aspects of exploration.

Some of my single friends have often reported back that they’ve had an interesting sexual encounter that’s lasted off and on  for  a  few  weeks,  but  with  nothing  else  in  common,  it’s drifted away and left them feeling a little lonely. I’m told that’s a sign of maturing sexually, the fact that  physicality alone is not enough. Yet they continue to do it. It’s just not enough for me, and I won’t waste my time on sex with strangers.

One of the things I loved about the relationship between the hero and heroine of Dark Revelations, when I was writing it, was that there is a sexual tension between them, but it’s the tenderness they have for each other that precedes the sexual relationship, that touches them deeply…me as well. I didn’t expect this to happen in an action-adventure-romance novel when I’d figured there’d be at least one really hot sex scene and the heroine is very jaded when it comes to giving her heart. So it surprised me in a sweet, tender, romantic way I didn’t expect (and yes, there are a couple of hot scenes).

I liked that, that they cared deeply for each other and understood each other and yearned for each other before they ever consummated their relationship. It’s a quiet love with the sexual intensity just under the surface until they meet between the sheets and let loose the hounds of passion.

Yeah, the kind of sex where a man and woman limp into the ER afterwards, gazes locked and grinning sheepishly at each other while they get checked out for broken bones and sprains. Cara’s batteries can’t substitute for that kind of interaction.