The Energy Bubble and First Date Diagnostics
Photo credit by eyesore9; creative commons license
First dates are perhaps the best example ever of energy bubbles and making those first important energetic connections with someone else. That’s because there are few other situations where we are thrust into an environment with a new person and expected to stay and hold our own for at least 20 to 30 minutes before deciding if we want more. Wouldn’t it be fun is we could see the energy bubble around us in living color?
I write a lot about energy, a rather nebulous term for people who’ve never been around healing circles or bonfire drumming. As an empath, my awareness of energy has grown to the point where, even though energy is invisible, its effects are not. I feel it much as I feel the wind. I can’t see it but I can see it bend the trees, and I can hear it howl or sing sometimes, and I can feel it. I think we can all feel it if we’re aware of it and use it to diagnose how well a first date or first meeting is going.
A typical first date–even if you’ve been talking to the other person online, via email, via text, and on the phone or even webcam for months–is fertile ground for studying how energetic connections form, or don’t. Like most people, I tend to have an upsurge of energy and excitement just before my date shows up. It’s anticipation, wonder, curiosity. I’ve had some people walk through my front door and felt as if I’d known them all my life, and the energy between us has been gentle, passionate, flowing, caring, happy. I’ve had low-key DVD/wine/cheese/sitting on the floor dates in my family room that were just one big colorful energetic bubble and floating blissfully skyward as he exited my home and then allowed me to sigh my way off to bed and sweet dreams. These are the ones I’m dancing around the house over and can’t wait to talk to him the next day. That’s the kind of date I want, every time. Who doesn’t?
The horrible first dates aren’t as easy to feel the bubble, possibly because it bursts at first glance or so soon after that you’re not even aware of it. It’s just a huge disappointment that hits you so early that you don’t hang around to watch that energy bubble float between you. But who cares about those dates?
The best use of the bubble to diagnose a first date is when you’re not sure how the date is going. Those…mediocre dates…that sort of fizzle at some point. A great date is the kind where you lose track of time because you’re so caught up in each other’s energy and that bubble just gets bigger and brighter and before you know it, you’ve been locked in deep conversation for three hours and spend the next five making out because you can’t bear to tear yourselves apart. You are both in that bubble and floating away, spinning, with it. A mediocre date is the kind where the…pacing, if we were watching a movie…begins to lag. If the pace picks back up, the energy bubble is stable. If not, it either fizzles or pops.
For myself, about the longest I can sustain the energy of a mediocre date is 30 minutes, though most of the time, it pops at about 20. (Yes, I date a lot, and most of my dates are great these days…though every so often, one will surprise me.)
That’s the point where suddenly the energy falters. It doesn’t matter how good-looking the guy is, how nice he is, how entertaining he is. I know at that instant that the date is over, usually for both of us. It’s rarely something we don’t both seem to know at the same instant, with the exception (for me) of the rich guy who reverted to his good ol’ boy loud-obnoxious-racist roots in a ritzy restaurant after he’d had a few drinks with dinner. He was too inebriated to be aware of the change in energy between us. Most of the time, however, you both can feel the drop in energy.
This happened recently on a really lovely date with a really lovely gentleman. Sweet guy, and on the surface, we had a lot in common. About 30 minutes into our date, though, we’d hit most of the most obvious subjects that we had in common and we started getting into more of the subject matter akin to whom we are under the surface. That’s when little things about our differing value systems popped up and I felt the quivers in the bubble as it began to deflate. This bubble didn’t pop, it just fizzled, rather suddenly. It wasn’t one particular question but a short series–how was it I could be happy now when I’d been through a divorce and why wasn’t I still devastated, what was my most bizarre date since being single and how could I ever have considered dating a potential cross-dresser? Nothing wrong with his belief system–just much more rigid than my open-to-almost-anything way of thinking. I saw in his eyes that he could not fathom what I consider “openness,” and I knew that I could enjoy dinner with this man, but that I’d never be able to be myself around him…and him hang around. It was a little sad to feel that bubble pop, right on time, but rather than drag things out and try to revive the bubble (that never works, ever), I called it a night much like an ER physician calls a death.
Most of the time, the bubble doesn’t fizzle and deflate to nothingness. It pops after one particular question, whether you acknowledge it or not. That question varies from man to man, but at some point, a hot button comes up in conversation. Ylike ou never know until the question is out there and maybe not until after it’s answered if that was the magic question that ended the date. It’s anything from “What do you think of Sarah Palin?” to “Do you think Nietzsche was insane?” to “What’s wrong with these wontons?” The most WTF moment I’ve ever had in a date was 20 minutes into appetizers–after weeks of talking on the phone–when he asked a simple question about what I’d done the night before, I told him, and he lost it with a diatribe on how educated people like me think we’re more important than people like him. Huh? I’d never mentioned my literary aspirations before then…just never came up…but in explaining that I had been researching Medieval history for a new novel I was working on, something touched off his hot button and he exploded. I never had a clue as to what exactly happened back then but I understand better now. Even though we tried to pull the date back together–we’d met half way and had driven way too far to walk out after 20 minutes–the energy bubble had burst and it was definitely over.
Watching the energy level and letting it act as a gauge in first dates has become something of a game now, not as much fun as great dates but fascinating enough to make mediocre dates more enjoyable. By the way, first dates never start out as mediocre. It’s just one of the directions they can take when it fizzles or pops. If that bubble expands, you never want it to end.