The No Longer List
As my body tries to heal, I find that the usual drains on my energy are too much for me and I need to conserve and focus on myself. Helping other people has been such a norm for so long that it’s hard to make the switch, but I am slashing through some of the many ties that pull on me. That’s not in a mean or harsh way. It’s a matter of recovering as quickly as possible.
Every time I’ve been pregnant, I’ve been completely exhausted for the first few months, or at least until the pregnancy ended– whichever came first. It’s an incredible tired-ness. I remember that when I was pregnant with Shannon and feeling guilty for my fatigue, someone in the medical field pointed out to me that even though I felt that I was doing NOTHING physically, my body was very active on the inside and the exertion level was the equivalent of climbing mountains, so don’t feel guilty for needing to rest and regain my energy
That’s a little of how I feel now as I try to overcome the taxation of different medical procedures and tests. I need to re-focus and re-calibrate to keep my energy for myself. To that end, I’ve started a list of where I “leak” energy (aka, be selfless, be a fixer, take on other people’s problems, or be over-protective) and have decided a few things I will no longer do. For starters….
– – I will no longer stress over my day job. Most of the stress introduced into my daily environment is ridiculous and petty and the result of typical reactive rather than pro-active measures. It’s almost never life-and-death for the soldiers. Someone else’s lack of planning tends to become my emergency. Though I can handle much of this with ease, it sucks the life out of me. I’m turning it back to the people who invented the stress instead of trying to transmute it into something shiny. I’ve been pretty good at this for the past few months but every now and then, something major pops up that’s harder to ignore.
– – I will also no longer argue with people at work. If my boss doesn’t want to let me work from home (telecommuting for compensation) while I’m out on sick leave, no problem. The work will simply not be done. If I explain to my customer that she’s pursuing an acquisition strategy that’s absolutely not going to get approved and she does it anyway, then I’m going to bust her at Clearance and she can start from scratch.
– – I will no longer deny myself pleasure. My lovers are the hottest men I’ve ever known and I’m having the best OMG sex of my life—and so are they. 🙂 So there. I waited a long time for this and I deserve it.
– – I will no longer hound my younger daughter about her grades, homework, schedule, etc. She’s making her own decisions and she can live with the consequences. She’s made good choices thus far about various potential vices but it’s the non-lethal things that stress me with her (in the absence of worse). She’ll make her own choices regardless of how much I stress over her so I can recognize that and be here if she needs me but let her scrape her knees where necessary. She’s almost an adult and needs to grow into some smart decisions—and that includes recognizing cause and effect.
– – I will no longer answer the call of anyone seeking help who isn’t willing to give something in exchange for my energy. That means no more freebies. Compensation doesn’t have to be monetary (not at all) but it does have to be balanced.
– – I will no longer expend energy protecting Justin. There was a time when I was in a really great place and he was the one who needed emotional support and near-constant attention—and I had high energy levels to nurture him. Right now, I have to nurture myself and I don’t have the energy to prop someone else up. He’s a big boy, and having the courage to take responsibility and walk in truth is a spiritual growth experience that he has to accomplish for himself, no matter the cost. Instead of me protecting him from harsh situations he’s fallen/jumped into, he has to learn to protect himself, quit sabotaging himself, and not put himself in situations that create pain and sacrifice. We have way too much in common in that last regard.
– – I will no longer bother with “students” and circle-mates who aren’t serious and don’t put forth an adequate effort, no matter how much I like them personally. Most of my students, both initiated and not, are making great strides on their spiritual journeys, even though they may not always realize it. The ones who just want to play at it? Not interested. They can waste their own time, but not mine.
– – I will no longer get pulled into OPD (Other People’s Drama). Yeah, this one’s hard because I’ve tended to be too caring and want to help when I see people in trouble. For most of the past year and longer, I’ve been trying not to get involved and insisting that other people handle their own issues without involving me. That works pretty well until I start being harassed or cornered, or drama queens mess with the people I love who are too stressed or weak to defend themselves. (That’s my downfall.) Not anymore. My patience is at an end. I no longer have any compunction about legal recourse—or , if need be, black magick. If I have to use energy to deal with OPD, it’ll be to slap someone down.
– – I will no longer worry over my mom and the decisions she makes. If she wants to spend too much money on a shoddy painter or accept sub-par work from an electrician, it’s her money. If she dismisses or takes a particular doctor’s advice, it’s her health. She is mentally very capable and it’s her decision to make. But if she asks my opinion, I’ll gladly give it. Until then, I’ll remember that she’s an adult and able to choose for herself—and it’s okay if I disagree with her decisions just as it’s okay if she disagrees with mine.