Banishing Doubt: Trust, Truth, and Deep Connections

Photo by hannaquevedo

I am still working through the revelations of this Scorpio Moon, especially in regard to Trust and Truth. I am trying to figure out for myself why I have had such difficulty in trusting connections when communications fail (see previous post), trying to take it back to its earliest form to understand how this pattern emerged so that I can banish it.

Part of the idea of “connection” is that I am able to be myself, completely. No facades, no barriers, no walls. If you think of connection in terms of energetic “flow,” then this makes perfect sense.  You cannot exchange energy with someone else if there are walls up.  You may get a little bit of exchange at a surface level or feel the pulse of electricity close by, but it’s shallow, superficial, untouched.  This is why deep connections have always been important to me and I’ve never found shallow ones to be really satisfying–and I will seek out deep connections at all costs.

I’ve noticed that I’ve trusted such connections to stay intact much moreso with women than with men.  I’ve had female friends over the years who have come and gone from my life, and yet, every time we’re together, it’s as if no time has passed.  We may not have spoken or communicated in years, but when we are in physical proximity, the flow of love and friendship is as strong as ever. That’s true ONLY if there is the deep connection I speak of and it never works for friendships where this connection never existed to begin with.  But I have had little to no trouble trusting this connection with women, perhaps because I’ve enjoyed a close relationship with my mother from the time I was small.  I just simply KNOW that the connection is always there, no matter how far away or how long.

If I go to my earliest male connection, then that would be Daddy.  I never had the connection with him that I wanted.  There were barriers.  There were walls.  But I could never really be myself.  Up until not long before he died, I consistently sought his approval and consistently (at least by all outward indications) failed.  Our connection was real only by feeling the electrical static of our proximity and not by the openness between us that flowed no matter where I went or what I did.

In my marriage, I never really had that deep connection I craved.  Yes, we were together a total of 23 years and I know how sad that sounds (and was), but there were always walls and barriers and I never in 23 years really felt that I could be myself with him.  The same is likely true for him because he kept so much of himself isolated from me. Even with children together, that connection was never there.  Our connection was by proximity, not by the deep emotional intimacy of two people completely at home with each other and able to share both their dreams and inadequacies without fear of losing that connection.

And so other men have come into my life in recent years.  With changes in old patterns, I’ve sought/attracted men with whom I can be myself and they as well can be true to their inner being, with few walls between us, those connections have been some of the deepest, most soul-touching of my life.  That’s a wonderful new pattern but it’s been strangled at times by an old pattern that says the connection is only in the proximity and if I’m not receiving confirmation of the connection through communication when out of proximity, then it must not be real, must not be true.

So here under the influence of a very powerful Scorpio Blue Moon, I see all those Scorpionic aspects together–secrecy, sexuality, intensity, trust, and truth–all in regard to my emotional connections with different men in my life…and I understand that if I ever felt that deep connection with any of them where we truly showed each other not just our wounds but also our souls, then those connections have not faded, regardless of blackouts in communication or in the distance of either time or space.