Wanted: Goddess Consort

Photo by Mrs. Maze, whose work I enjoy immensely.

When it comes to romantic relationships, I like to think of myself as a Goddess, though I suppose I’m really more of a Trinity of Goddesses.

I’m not so much Kali or Aphrodite, and I’m definitely not a submissive Goddess.  Not to mix pantheons, but I’m part Greek Athena, the war strategist and intellectual; I’m part Sumerian Inanna, facing the shadows and emerging; and I’m part Celtic Brigid, particularly in my creativity, nurturing, and “inner fire.”

Yet, it’s this trinity of Goddesses that seem to be holding me back from a committed relationship–this time.

Over the past year, the Universe seems to have conspired to keep me from getting involved with particular men.  Sometimes it’s downright amusing, though never at the moment.  There have been disapproving princesses, interfering ex-wives, arrests for battery, …oh, the usual.  And then the really odd roadblocks, too.

I’m still shaking my head over missing a one-chance lunch date because during the two-hour window of opportunity for us to get together, tornadoes leapt out of a suddenly stormy sky and kept the entire geographical area hunkered down for precisely those two hours until he had to continue on his trip through town.

And of course, there was The Darling Boy’s auto accident that derailed our rather exciting plans.  Picture someone pulling a lever next to a railroad track and the train coming round the bend suddenly going in a different direction while I’m standing at the depot with my palms up.

Now that I’ve cleared out all known shadows from my past relationships, all the way back to my childhood (not so interested in past life experiences anymore because fixing this life has been work enough!), I’m a little squirmy about whether I even WANT a committed relationship anymore. 

What’s changed is that I’ve been watching the new relationships of several female friends who are each an independent, intelligent, fearsome Goddess in her own right.  They are settling into commitments and struggling.  Hard.  Their partners try to dominate, either openly trying to control or more discreetly manipulating them with guilt.  I am watching these friends either surrender in misery because they’re so weary or spend all their energy on holding the status quo with a headstrong partner rather than teaming their energy to make great things happen or explore the world together.  I’m seeing them get sidetracked from their dreams and goals because every waking moment is being channelled into trying to keep their identity.

I’ve gotten used to being very independent–and I LIKE it.  If I thought I was reasonably independent and self-sufficient during my long marriage, it’s nothing like now.  I LIKE not having to consult with a partner on every little money decision or feel like I can’t buy something nice for myself without having to justify it. I LIKE seeing the movies I want to see, even alone, without a major fuss or sitting through a movie I find un-engaging. I LIKE being able to decorate my home as I please without disapproving comments or arguments over how to spend my money or what color to paint a wall.  I LIKE being able to come and go as I please–with advance notice to family so that schedules are coordinated–but without worrying if there’ll be a fight waiting for me when I get home.  I LIKE being able to play my Goth music without apology or as loud as I want or stay up all night working on a novel without some man whining that I’m not keeping him warm in bed.  Bottom line, I LIKE my independence.

No, I LOVE my independence.   It’s something I’ve come to value much more than just “being in a relationship,” especially for the sake of “being in a relationship.”  I’d like to think I could mesh my independence with a partner’s independence and co-create an enjoyable life together.  For most starts and fits at romantic relationships, I’m finding the equality isn’t working well for me.  At either extreme, submissive men put me on a pedestal and men who insist they’re dominant will try to dominate from the start.  In what I’ve always considered an “equal” relationship and one where the guy claims I’m an equal partner, invariably the man soon tries to dominate my every move, and I’m quickly unhappy.  I suppose every relationship must have a dominant partner, even if the dominance is by only 1 percent, but the struggle for that 1 percent is so tiring to me.

Maybe that’s why I have a preference for men who are somewhat submissive in a romantic relationship.  I’m not looking for someone who’ll rule over me or try to put restraints on me.  I like the idea of someone who’ll pamper me and watch my back, too, so I can focus on the important things in the world.

I’m not a Goddess who wants to find Her omnipotent God.  I much prefer to have a consort.